Monday, January 16, 2017

Hello again. I don't remember how to write titles.

And.....I haven't posted since October. I'd like to say I was busy, and I suppose I was, but not really. That's not the reason I haven't posted in months.

I started blogging on December 13th, 2014. Now it's January 16th, 2017. That's kind of a long time.

I never imagined that I'd keep this going at first, but after awhile, I imagined that I'd keep this going at least into college.

I saw a community in front of me full of lovely people and friends that only know how to compliment each other. Sure, there are fights here and there, but mostly? Everyone's nice to everyone else.

I tried wedged myself into an established community. There were people I admired and people I envied.

People that started after me grew faster than me, and as a 13-year-old that didn't know better, I was extremely annoyed with these people. But more so, I was angry at myself. What was wrong with me? Why didn't anyone share what I had to say? Why do I not have hundreds of followers? Am I mean? Do I sound needy? Am I just depressing?

Eventually, I got past that. I read posts showing that EVERYONE seemed to feel this way. I didn't need to be huge.

My problem was, hell, my problem still is, I haven't made any friends here.

I've been blogging for more than two years and I haven't made any actual blogger friends. There are people I talk to, sure, but actual friends? None.

So I have to go back to...what's wrong with me? Is it because I want friends so badly? Am I pathetic?

Maybe this is just the thing about being on-and-off depression for several years. But...still.

Sure, most book bloggers are girls (for some reason I can't figure out). Maybe my weird internal pressure to be masculine makes me uncomfortable when I'm surrounded by girls.

Maybe I'm not as nice. Okay, I'm definitely not as nice. I'm kind of an asshole sometimes. I like ranting about things people don't agree with. And I haven't even shared most of the controversial things I believe.

Basically, I feel alone. This wasn't a big deal when I was 13. I was kind of...used to being alone. But now that I've made a good amount of friends in my real life, the fact that I don't really have any here has started to come into the light.

Maybe I don't comment on other people's blog's enough. I try? Everyone has so many good things to say, though I am eternally bored by most reviews and book tours. That's also a problem.

Maybe if I didn't feel like the only trans book blogger in existence? I mean, I feel so much pressure to review, praise or bash, every LGBTQ+ book in existence, and now I don't even have time. But I can't deal with not saying anything. I feel like I have a responsibility to tell people which books have good representation and bad representation, because it feels like no one else will. Everyone else just takes diverse books and assumes they're accurate. I feel like I read only to review, and that's not what I wanted from this blog.

I'm not sure what this was. I'd love to get back into blogging. I think. I'm still considering just deleting this blog along with all my social media accounts and starting fresh. I don't know anymore.

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